During the initial stages, it would have been magical. You cannot stop hearing what your partner is saying, and the start of a relationship is always magical. But, you must have noticed in recent times, whatever argument you have led into a fight, and you end up yelling. Your patience level has decreased, and you start yelling at the initial stages of the argument, which may lead to guilt and regret. What causes this? And how to stop this? Studies have shown that yelling and shouting have a great negative impact on the relationship. A relationship goes both ways, and when usually one shouts, it makes the other not say their side of the argument, which greatly impacts their trust. Most of the time, we yell to prove that we are on the right side of the argument. But that may not always be the case. The feeling of yelling may aggravate over time and become a personality of yourself, and it will be much harder to reason with you. This may cause a relationship to break. Usually, when we are angry, we don’t think twice, or in some cases, even once, about what we are saying. We don’t even remember most of the time what we said when we were angry. This makes us say harsh or bad stuff about our partner, which probably might be a misunderstanding.
When being in a relationship, think about this. What makes you angry? Do they intentionally make you angry? Which is not in almost all cases. They are your partner, someone who wishes the absolute best for you. And when you yell at them, it makes a relationship go in the wrong way. Studies show that abusive relationships start with verbal abuse, which further develops into physical abuse. You have been wondering for a while and are probably self-aware that you yell in a relationship. Before we go into steps to stop this behavior, let us look at why you yell in the first place. Is it because your partner gets into your nerves? Is it because you are tired of constantly fighting with your partner? Let’s find out in this article.
Reasons For Your Yelling
Sometimes, you or your partner might feel that yelling during an argument leads to the best results. In some cases, it may not be healthy from a relationship point of view, and it may not be good for the relationship in the long term. There may be many reasons for the yelling.
- You are maybe getting tired of them. This usually happens when couples live together, and, especially during this pandemic time, find it increasingly annoying.
- You may have seen your parents or some others who yell to get the best out of an argument, which may have influenced you.
- When you keep something else in mind, probably a bad thing that your partner did in the past and use it to fuel your anger.
- When your partner yells at you, and you yell back. When you get yelled at by someone who you care about and someone who cares about you, we tend to take it personally.
Why is yelling bad? Well, aggressive tendencies are always bad, especially when it comes to relationships. Verbal aggression has a high chance of turning into physical aggression. On the other hand, the reason for your yelling might not always be bad. Most of the time, it is because you care deeply for a person. But, not everyone can express this feeling perfectly, and it comes out as yelling sometimes.
You must always keep in your mind that it is your partner who, probably, will be your wife/husband in the future. And if your anger and yelling are not justified, you should not let it break the relationship. I have experienced this yelling and was self-aware of it. It may also be due to misconceptions that you have in your mind that’s fueling your anger.
How do you find out the reason for the yelling?
There is always a reason for something to happen. And when it comes to relationships, it takes significant effort to maintain them. So what is the reason you yell so much in a relationship? There are two major ways of gauging the reason.
- Sit down and think. Have a clear thought of the events that happened, what angers you, and why you yell. Most of the time, you might have a reason for the yelling. But it will not strike when you are yelling. Take a deep breath and think of all the things that bother you. In some cases, it will not be related to your partner at all. For example, if you face too much stress in your workplace, and you cannot express it elsewhere, even the smallest of triggers will make you yell at your partner. You might find the reason for your yelling. Think if you are only yelling at your partner, or your friends and parents as well. It is easier to solve a problem if you find a pattern.
- Talk it out with your partner. There is nothing better than speaking your heart out with your partner. Sit down with them and ask if they have seen a change of behavior in you recently and try to correlate it with something that has changed in your life. Be open, and say everything that bothers you, even if it is something that they did. It is also better to get the view of someone other than you, as they may have a different take on your behavior. Misconceptions are one of the major reasons that break a relationship, and something which you assume might not be the case. This also can be the reason for your yelling. Hence, be honest and open to your partner and clearing the air between you two will solve the problem.
There is one major fact that needs to be addressed here. We often hear people saying, “Yelling in a relationship or a marriage is fine,” “Yelling at your partner is normal in a couple’s life,” and “Who else to yell at than your partner, who understands you the most.” These are all untrue. While it is true that we can be our original self among our partners, and yelling from time to time is unavoidable in a relationship, the degree to which the yelling happens matters. If you find yourself or your partner yelling almost always, it is not a good relationship. It is not a healthy one, and it is not normal. Good Therapy shows that yelling is a sign of a pattern. (https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/yelling/).
So, now we know how to find out the reasons for your yelling. But how do we stop the yelling? If your yelling is not your fault, and it is not justified, you must try to stop it. Most of the time, it depends on the reason. If you figure it out, you can stop the yelling. But what is the process or things that you must do to stop it?
How to stop the yelling?
- Understanding that they are your partner. Most of the time, we forget who we are and whom we are talking to while arguing. We must understand that they are our partner, who cares for us, and will not do anything bad for us. Yelling at them will hurt their feelings. Each of our little actions has consequences that we don’t imagine. We don’t think through what we say when we are angry, and it may come off in a different way than we have imagined it to. And yelling is not the solution to solving a problem. This brings us to the second point.
- Talk with your partner. There is nothing that having a good talk with your partner cannot solve. In most cases, yelling arises due to misunderstandings between the partners. Clear the air between you two. Be open and say clearly what bothers you.
- Try to be more self-aware. If you know that you are yelling at your partner, try to be more self-conscious. The next time you yell, stop whatever you are saying, and think. You can even use techniques like calming down, breathing in and out, counting till 10 to distract yourself from yelling. You may additionally excuse yourself, go out for a while, clear your mind out and come back. You will have a more reasonable argument when you clear your mind.
- Focus your anger on something productive. If you cannot let off steam by calming down, try burning it out by walking or exercising. It is a great way to let off steam and will clear your mind greatly. Doing these regularly will help you reduce the yelling behavior.
- Plan what you want to say. If you know what you are going to say or talk with your partner, plan the contents of what you are going to speak about and plan accordingly. This helps you to focus on what you want to say, in the right tone and mood and will help you not yell.
- Be apologetic. If you feel your yelling was not justified, apologize right away. Say the truth that you are having a hard time controlling your emotions, and that was not the way you meant to come out. But you should not keep yelling and apologizing forever, without changing. Try to see how much you regret yelling, and it will stop you from yelling further.
- Try not to use bad words. When people yell, they scream many bad words to keep the flow of anger going. If you restrain yourself from speaking any such bad or absolute language, you will be able to control yourself from screaming.
- Lower your normal tone. Try lowering your tone when you speak normally. This will help you have control over how much you yell.
- Be honest. Use statements that express your concerns, such as “I feel lonely when you come late”. It is your partner, and you can always trust them to share your concerns and insecurities.
You can further use some signals or cues to figure out if you are getting angry. For example, some people may start sweating when they are angry. You can use these cues to stop yourself from yelling any further. One important point is that you must not let emotions or things pile up inside your head. Anger outbursts are usually related to a person keeping things bothering them inside their minds for a long time. Once it reaches a threshold, people tend to express it via anger. So, it is always recommended to share something that bothers you with your partner right away and end a fight as and when it started. Prolonging the fight will lead to consequences that make you yell at your partner.
Self-care is one of the foremost things you must consider doing to change your lifestyle. Do you have a hectic lifestyle, with no time for your partner or any vacation? That might be the reason. Frustrations with life and work can be a major cause of random anger outbursts. If you feel that it might be a reason, take a couple of days off, go on a vacation with your partner, and don’t include any of your regular life dramas. This is an efficient way of letting out steam. Inadequate sleep, not being able to focus on your hobbies can also be a reason. Try to sleep for a good 7-8 hours every day, eat nutritious food, and find time to do something you love, watching TV, movies, games, or reading books. Focusing on yourself first lets you be calm and not get triggered easily.
The next thing you can do is talk to someone whom you trust, other than your partner. It can be a common friend of yours who knows about both of you and your family members. Though issues between a couple must be resolved between those 2, sometimes, it is helpful to listen to someone other than you two. Sometimes, a third person can easily find the problem, as they are unbiased and look at a problem subjectively. Another important thing you must keep in mind is not to start an argument when you are already in a bad mood. Let’s say, for example, you came home from the office, and there was a lot of pressure in the office, and you are already frustrated. Now, you are most vulnerable to becoming angry at the slightest of triggers, as you have not let out the steam, and you might end up greatly misunderstanding what your partner is saying. During these moments, try to say that you are already in a bad mood and cannot afford to do an argument, and then try to pour out the frustration of the office to your partner. This will make you amendable to reason, and you will not get angry or yell at your partner. If all these don’t work, and you feel you are always in a bad mood, you can try going to anger management classes and talking to experts who might find a way to reduce your tensions.
The final thing you can do is to see if your yelling is only at your partner or with your friends and parents as well. If you find yourself yelling at everyone, then the relationship might not be the reason, and something else, such as work pressure, or fears about life, is bothering you. If you only yell at your partner, and the above solutions did not work, then you can even consider going to a couple’s therapy to figure out the reason. It is always helpful to get help from a professional in personal matters, as they can see from an unbiased angle and pinpoint the reasons. A question that you can ask yourself is, “Did the yelling yield the result you hoped for”? The result here is not whether you won the argument since when you yell, the other person usually gives up. The result here means whether you took care of the problem that is bothering you and is gone now. Most of the time, it is not. The problem will still exist and bother you, and you would have gotten nowhere with your yelling. So, it is not worth doing it, and in addition to that, it also pushes your loved ones away from you and hurts your relationship. So why do you want to do something that does so much damage to your relationship and not provide you with anything other than even more problems?
Here are some frequently asked questions:
- How do I stop yelling at the start of an argument?
While it is easy to lose temperament at the start of an argument, try to plan what you will say before you start the argument. Sit down in a calm place, take a deep breath, and try to get straight to the point.
- The arguments are always long. How do I keep it short?
When arguing, it is quite common to talk about other unrelated problems to prove our point. Hence it is better not to talk about past issues or those unrelated to the current argument. This will help the argument to be on point and end quickly.
- How can you not yell when your partner is yelling at you?
We always tend to lose patience when the other person is yelling at us. We want to yell at them back and louder to prove our point in an argument. But it is of no use as both yellings will lead to no real conclusion, and the problem will remain unsolved. If your partner is yelling at you, stop the argument and ask them to take a break. Then, after some time, when they have cooled down, try to reason with them.
- What are some anger management tasks that I can perform at home?
When you feel you are losing your temper, try to take a walk. Burning off calories is a good way to let go of the steam and return later to continue the argument. Try to breathe in and out and meditate. These can help you control your senses better and not lose your cool during an argument.
- Is it better for a relationship to have frequent arguments and fights?
No. While fights are unavoidable and can happen from time to time, frequent arguments do not lead to a healthy relationship. The sooner you realize, try to understand the root of the problem, and solve it. Too much fighting and yelling are bad for a relationship.
- How can you prove your point if you do not yell?
There are many ways to prove a point, and yelling is not one way. While it may seem that in an argument, yelling gives you an upper hand, it, in fact, makes it difficult to reason with and listen. Hence, you may end an argument by yelling as your partner will eventually give up, but you can never prove a point by doing so.
Good habits take a while to yield the expected result. But always are worth it. It will be difficult to make a sudden huge transition in the way you speak, but it solves the major issue if you find out the root cause. You can also always depend on experts and people you trust to help you out. Good luck with your relationship!