This article will find the answer to your question ‘What to do if the wife doesn’t want to work?’.
The divorce and breakups rates have been drastically increasing for the past three decades. Most couples break up and most marriages end in divorce within 3 to 6 years of their relationship. This drop incompatibility is intriguing and has been the subject of much researches. The most common cause of relationship failure is the lack of communication or communication gaps. It is normal for couples to have some disagreement no problem with that, the real problem is how well the couple communicates and works on solving their problems.
One of the most common problems that married couples say is that you are not the same person I married or you are not the same person I fell in love with. The reason is the same for both men and women saying that the person has changed. One of the most common problems that most men face is their wives choosing to drop their jobs and depending on their husbands to carry all the family’s financial burdens. At first, they are willing to carry the burden for the sake of their partner’s happiness but then they have to work extra hard to support the family, and any complaints about not doing enough housework or spending time with the family feel very unfair.
It’s at times like these when men experience burnouts, depression, unappreciated and even question their relationship and some even consider divorce. People often try to seek help as they love their partners dearly but at the same time can’t take the pressure anymore. They want a way out, want their wives to help, but don’t want to hurt or upset them at the same time. If you are in such a situation you only have two solutions i.e. if you can’t accept the situation then try to change it and if you can’t change the situation try to see the good in it and accept it. Don’t let your problems gnaw on your soul. Let’s take a few ways to help solve this problem
2 things you can do
You need to understand that it’s either you change your mind or you change theirs or you guys sit down and find a solution that is acceptable to both and does not require following the other person’s request. Either way, you would have to sit down and have a chat with your partner.
Change their mind
If you feel like there is no other solution to the problem but having your wife go back to work again you would have to change their mind. To change their mind, you either directly communicate with them about how you feel or indirectly if you feel uncomfortable discussing the topic because you believe it might upset her.
Sit them down and have a sincere conversation. Tell them how you feel and how you want their help. This might be a bit hard and you guys might have some contention due to different points of view but do not leave the conversation mid-way. Try to stay calm and deal with the situation with equanimity. They might get upset and complain but you must stay calm and try to solve the problem instead of fighting and blaming each other.
Talk to them
Discuss the whys to their decisions. Ask them why they don’t want to return to work anymore. Is it because they don’t like their work, their boss, or are they just being lazy. You should then explain to them how their decision is affecting the family and all the problems it is causing. Ask them for solutions to problems arising from their decision. This should have them thinking and come up with ways to help you and they might even reconsider their decision of not going back to work.
For all those who have a hard with communicating or feel like saying “Hey you need to go back to work “ would hurt them and you don’t want that, you can take the indirect approach to communicate your message. This is a very helpful approach because you are not saying anything but they get what you are going through and it is hence more effective.
Have a friend talk to them
Have a chat with a close mutual friend and explain to them how you are struggling but don’t know how to bring it up to your partner. You may then ask your friend to bring up this in front of your wife or just help her see how their decision is impacting their partner. It should help your partner realize your side of the problem and even realize how critical the problem is because if others can see it, it must be very obvious and them not realizing it would as make them reflect on their decision.
Have a family member talk to them
Meet up with their family member for example their brother, or father and tell them how things have been hard lately but be careful with your words, do not blame her but instead talk about how you guys are struggling financially and how you wish you could spend more time with your family. Add how can’t do that even if you wanted to because you have to work extra hard to provide for the family and it is still not enough.
Show them how hard the future might get if they do not help
Instead of saying how they need to go back to work, you can simply talk to them about how things might be in the future. You can just talk about the expenses that might arise in the future and how your current situation would not help you solve those problems. Do not mention their job even once. The financial problems would automatically comment on their job and then you may add how they won’t be able to find a job if they stay away for too long.
Change your mind
If you have tried all the above-mentioned methods and your wife just won’t go back to work the other solution to the problem is changing the way you see the problem. Maybe there is something that you might have missed. Maybe your partner is right in not going back to work for example if you have a small child. You guys save on having to pay a nanny and your child always has one of their parents with them. Here are a few tips to help you change your mind or point of view.
Ask them for their reason
Sit down and keep in mind that this time it’s not just you are the one who is struggling but they are also in a tough spot. Listen to understand, try putting yourself in their shoes so you get a better understanding of their situation. Sit down and have a chat. Ask them how they feel, how have things been for them at work, and why they are so reluctant to going back to work. Maybe they have a valid reason but they never had a chance to explain themselves to you. Maybe it’s something serious and they aren’t just being lazy.
Try to see things differently
Put yourself in her shoes for a minute and think about how you feel. If you are struggling so much they probably know or see it but if they still chose to stay home means that they must have some reason. Try to understand their reasons and accept the fact that it’s hard for them as well You must understand how hard It must be for them trying to subsist on what you offer, depending on you all the time for everything. Understand where they are coming from and try seeing the situation from their point of view. Doing so should help you see that it is not just you who is suffering but maybe they are having a much harder time.
Try to find a solution feasible for both parties
If you feel like you guys must make some changes as the current situation is not good for the relationship you should sit down and find common grounds. Talk about the possible solutions to the problem. Tell her how these problems are creating a gap between you two and would affect the family. You may add your solutions and she would share hers then you guys can decide which is the most appropriate one and helps solve the problem. Try to stick to the decision and be consistent to avoid future discords.
Other options to help resolve the problem
In case you want a solution that is more neutral and does not involve changing the mind of either, there are a few other ways that should help you solve your problem. However, these solutions might not give you the answer you want but should help you solve your problems. Let’s take a look at them
Take marriage counseling
Marriage counseling and couples therapy are some of the best options to help you find a neutral solution. When a neutral third party looks at the situation they have a more fair judgment of who is suffering more. They can make a better judgment as they are not biased and understand that it is hard for both parties. About 53% of the couples who take couples therapy or marriage counseling can solve their problems and avoid breakups or divorces.
Make a budget
If you guys are having trouble managing your finances then what you need is not your wife to return to work but have a budget because without a proper budget her returning to work will not help you guys, you will still struggle financially. Create a realistic budget, don’t be too frugal or too extravagant take a decent path, and follow the budget aggressively. Also remember that if you save all your money and don’t enjoy you may want to break away, rebel, and dismiss the budget so keep some rewards for successfully following the schedule. This way you guys can be more consistent with the plan and be happy with all you have.
Change your lifestyle
Since your current lifestyle requires your wife to go to work maybe it’s time you make changes to your lifestyle and adopt habits that suit your needs and situation more. For example, you guys always buy food and rarely cook or you often hire house help, things like these should be removed as they do not fit well in the budget now that there is only one provider. Observe your daily habits and patterns and eliminate those that are making things hard for you guys. At first, it may seem like everything is important and there is no space for purging but if you look hard enough you will definitely find a bunch of things that aren’t necessary and should be eliminated.
Start your business
Another very simple way would be if you guys start a business you can work on it after you get off work and she can work on it full time. Think of something that your partner really likes and think of ways you guys can make a business out of it. For example, your wife really likes makeup then she can start her own blog about it her own website, Youtube channel, Facebook, and Instagram pages where she can make makeup tutorials or she can also use these platforms to sell makeup online or even open her own store. This way she will be doing something she likes while earning. Try to start a business in something that interests your wife as she will be the one running it, it is important that she likes it and feel excited about it.
Importance of communication
Whatever approach you take to solve the problem, you will have to communicate your message. You must use appropriate words that are not vague but not rude and insulting. When discussing problems most people have built up anger and frustration that exudes through their words during their conversation and they don’t even realize how their words could inflict pain on others. Most people who are nice and love their partners dearly feel drained due to their problems. This makes them feel unappreciated but when they bring it up in their talk it comes off as patronizing and might upset the partner as they feel they are the one at fault.
Be careful with your words if you are bad at debates or arguments. Try structuring your argument before you have the conversation. Write down what you want to say and then read it out loud. How does it sound? Does it sound vague, rude, or patronizing? Make changes and try using neutral words. Communication is the most effective way to solve a problem only if you are careful with your words and have a good structure and logical argument.
Things to Remember
When you and your partner have a problem, you must take precautions preemptively to avoid any contention or discords in the future. Here are a few things to remember when you guys sit down to have a discussion.
- Discuss the problems that might arise in the future before they happen.
- Do not delay the discussion or keep things to yourself.
- Do not hold grudges if something is bothering you speak up.
- Be honest but not rude.
- Give them a chance to speak.
- Be considerate and understanding of what they have to say.
- Be patient and give them some time.
- Maintain equanimity throughout the discussion.
Avoid doing these, even if you feel like you are right and your partner is the one who is at fault because this might worsen the case
- Do not force them to follow your decision.
- Do not insult or speak in a louder tone.
- Don’t make decisions by yourself.
- Don’t be hasty and ask for answers right away give them some time.
- Do not talk behind your partner’s back as they will eventually find out and this will break their trust and feel awful.
- Don’t keep the problem to yourself to the point you feel like your relationship is a burden.
- Don’t say yes when you want you to want to say no. Being kind and considerate to your partner is good but your own happiness and well-being should be just as important.
- Don’t make excuses or vague statements that confuse you because you are too afraid to say how you actually feel. Doing so wouldn’t solve the problem.
- Don’t exaggerate, take an objective approach to observe the problem
It is normal for couples to have some disagreements but how they approach and solve the problem is very important as it determines whether they have a relationship or if their relationship bond to end is divorce or breakup. If your partner has chosen to drop their job they must have some reason. You must approach the problem objectively and try to find a solution that solves the problem without hurting either one of you.
You can either change their mind change your own mind or find neutral solutions. Whatever way you opt for you will have to talk and communicate your message and when you do remember all the don’ts mentioned above. You can sit down and talk to them directly about the problem. If you are too uncomfortable to say it yourself have a close friend or family member talk to them. If you can’t seem to change your partner’s mind then try changing yours. Try seeing things from their perspective and work on finding solutions that help you both. You can also take couple therapy or marriage counseling, make a budget, or even start your own business.