Pushing People Away- Psychology behind this

It may be a difficult time mentally or you are just not in the mood to socialize and interact with anyone even if they are your closest friends. Sometimes you do not want to talk and explain anything to anyone. It might also seem satisfying to an extent given you are taking charge of a situation by refraining to contact anyone. However, if seen objectively, continual behavior which resembles this can also be interpreted as pushing people away. 

While it may seem to be temporarily satisfactory, it can adversely affect your friendships and relationships as well as your mental health in the long run. Let’s have a look at the psychology behind pushing people away. 

Why Do We Push People Away?

It can be simply explained by using just two words: Defense Mechanism. More often than not, showing vulnerability takes a lot of courage and resolve and the reaction of the other person decides if the effort was worth it. Due to previous cases of having their trust broken or their vulnerability being taken advantage of, the knee-jerk reaction in case of challenging situations becomes pushing people away. 

It is pretty common to have heard that an individual prefers their own company over that of others the majority of the time. While there is nothing wrong with some downtime and relaxation, it is the extreme that becomes a difficult issue to handle. Many people mistake self-imposed isolation for downtime and instead of allowing their mind to relax, they end up exposing their fragile state of mind to overthinking. 

Being emotionally unavailable is also a common issue nowadays which leads to many relationships breaking up sooner rather than later. For any relationship to work, communication needs to go both ways. It would mean being vulnerable and taking a chance and trusting someone with information and feelings. This seems like too big a risk especially when previous experiences have not gone so well. 

There are often valid reasons behind anyone’s decision to push people away. These may include:

1. Low sense of self-worth that might have resulted from previous trauma. Thi can include familial turbulence or failed relationships where one was not valued for their effort and time. 
2. Rejection is too big a risk to deal with. We refrain from opening up to anyone because we fear that they might not accept us for the way we are. What if they do not like us? What if they judge us? What if they decide to leave? It is questions like these that keep people from emotionally investing in any relationship, whether old or new, often getting tem labelled as emotionally unavailable. It eventually leads to relationships breaking or bonds weakening which confirms their suspicion of everything being temporary and the cycle of pushing people away continues. 
3. Change in our behaviors due to external situations also impacts our decision of pushing people away. One might choose to withdraw mentally or socially from a situation depending upon the circumstance. 
4. Being unaware of your own behavior is often the reason this continues to happen. This behavior has become second nature in individuals so much so that it becomes a part of their being. They tend to approach any and all relationships from a detached perspective and refrain from trusting too soon, sharing too much or getting emotionally invested. 
5. Needing space and autonomy. Relationships can be constricting especially if you talk to the same person day in and day out. When communication starts feeling like an obligation rather than an enjoyable activity, people tend to step back to take some time for themselves. The need for personal space is being recognized nowadays because people tend to see relationships as demanding which they often are not ready for. The commitment that comes with being in any relationship tends to feel burdensome, which is why people try to break away and seek autonomy which they cannot find while they are still in contact with the said person. 

The Defense Mechanism

As previously mentioned, pushing people away or withdrawing from social interaction means one is protecting their own mental health. It is a defense mechanism to spare oneself from any hurt that might result after opening up to someone.  No one likes to be stressed and no one wants to get hurt. Ask anyone and they will tell you that they want to protect themselves from rejection and unnecessary stress. 

There are many ways to approach any stressful situation. There is never a single solution to problems that involve relationships. While communication and openness can be one approach, the other approach is to withdraw entirely and avoid any future contact with anyone who might have the potential to cause hurt or stress. Both approaches help in reducing the stress of the situation but only one is productive while the other is nothing but avoidant coping mechanisms

Avoidant coping or defense mechanism is by its very definition a maladaptive coping method. Rather than confronting the situation and finding an active solution via participation and acceptance, avoidance coping refrains from taking any active action. Much like its name, avoidance coping strategy involves removing oneself from a stressful or uncomfortable situation. This may seem preferable to some. However, it also includes actively trying to avoid thinking about the stressful situation by refusing to think about it. 

One might argue that refusing to think about a situation is evidently thinking about it, albeit in a different way. This is precisely why avoidant coping strategy is ill-advised. In case you are wondering if you are pushing people away as a defense mechanism, try and see for yourself if you are opting for the avoidant coping mechanism. Pushing people away who are close to you may include the following behavior patterns:

1. Not answering or returning calls and messages
2. Sending few or no messages to anyone asking to meet for an informal get together. 
3. Usually backing out of premade plans with excuses.
4. Avoiding getting interested in other people’s personal lives or emotional states.
5. Often replying with short, clipped, blunt or impolite responses. 

The Fight Between Intimacy and Rejection

We all need someone who understands our feelings, acknowledges our fears, and hears our thoughts without judgment. Even many scientific types of research have also acknowledged that humans need intimacy in their life to be happy and feel fulfilled. While no one will deny the need for intimacy, they would not deny having a legitimate and well-founded fear of rejection as well. 

Just acknowledging the need for intimacy is accepting that you have a vulnerable side. This is not a bad thing but in case the person in front of you does not feel the same, you tend to retreat within yourself with a subconscious resolve of never exposing yourself in that emotional capacity again. In short, it is a rejection that shoves the human need for intimacy deep within ourselves. 

After being rejected for being themselves, individuals tend to develop trust issues, commitment issues, and a general lack of self-worth. And since one is not content with themselves, they can never truly find the self-confidence to expose themselves in that capacity again eleven if the next person is ready to accept them and value them emotionally. The fear of rejection, therefore, is a significant reason why many people are pushed away by their loved ones. 

The Avoidant Attachment Method

After the avoidant coping strategy comes the avoidant attachment method. Like the coping strategy, this attachment method is also maladaptive and may do more damage than it may help.  For individuals who have experienced trauma from an early age, the avoidant attachment method gains favor. These individuals were not paid enough attention to as children by their parents or guardians. 

Over time and constant rejection, they understood that to attract and keep their parents’ attention, they would have to deviate from common behavior. This deviation was seen as avoidance. By showing their parents’ that they did not deserve their attention, these individuals learned to attract love and attention from the caregivers. To keep the attention on themselves, they develop[ed this avoidant attachment method as a common behavior which they then extended to all their consequent relationships. 

Simply put, individuals who engage with avoidant attachment methods do not know any other way to attract attention and remain the object of attention. This can mean that they are pushing people away not because they genuinely want distance but simply because that is their way of ensuring that the people close to them remain as invested in the relationship as they are. Since this happens subconsciously in many cases, it cannot be solved by talking about it and understanding why it happens and how to better cope with it. 

Due to Past Trauma

Much like the avoidant attached method as a result of past trauma, pushing people away can result from other causes of past trauma. This includes breaking off of long-term friendships or the break up of a serious romantic relationship. Whether it is a falling out, a breakup, or a divorce, the emotional trauma is strong and stressful for the individual. It impacts the future attachments of the person in case any other situation demands a similar sort of emotional vulnerability as they displayed in the previous failed relationship.

Breaking up with someone can also make us think of all the efforts we made during the term of the relationship were worth it. It can seriously impact our emotional investment in future commitments. Past trauma can either make an individual emotionally unavailable or make them overly invested in the person who is no longer in their lives. Neither of these is favorable but luckily, these behavior patterns tend to be temporary in comparison to past trauma that has persisted since childhood.

Typically, after taking some time away from disruptive relationships and the toxic presence of the people who are no longer there, people tend to bounce back. They understand the inevitability of some relationships not working and they move on to healthier relationships and focus on people who value their efforts. Pushing away people in such cases is therefore temporary even though it can be damaging for the existing relationships if effective communication fails to happen. 

Keeping Away From Conflict

One more reason behind pushing people away might be the desire to avoid confrontation and conflict. Certain people feel uncomfortable with conversations that may take an unpleasant turn. They refuse to participate in any conversation which might trigger a severe reaction and influence their mental stage. Sometimes it might mean that they cannot handle dissent or criticism. Agreeing to disagree does not exist for these people which leads them to push people away. 

An individual who cannot handle a conversation with differing opinions would shy away from such conversations altogether. They would want the conversation to serve a purpose that would prove beneficial for them. They would not mind ending a good relationship for the sake of being proved right. They refrain from saying what they feel because they feel that disagreement can damage the relationship but do not realize that pushing people away is doing the same. 

Depression as a Reason

Depression is perhaps the first psychological reason that comes to mind when we talk about isolating oneself and pushing loved ones away. Depression impacts the will to communicate and form meaningful relationships. Relationships suffer simply because they cannot be kept up from one end and that is because of disinterest or lack of worth. 

Any interaction in a social situation can seem burdensome and a daunting task if one is depressed. In such cases, understanding that therapy would help is always the best approach. Choosing to go to therapy is a step that would help you formulate healthy relationships and make positive changes in your behavior and decision-making patterns. 

How To Stop Constantly Pushing People Away?

If you have recognized that you are pushing people close to you away, you are already on the right path. Some introspection and understanding of your behavior would always help in understanding the root cause of this behavior. Of course, sometimes it becomes important to keep toxic people away from your life in certain situations. But what needs to be realized is that these behaviors are not becoming habits. 

You can look for some triggers that might impact your emotional response to certain situations and after some self-reflection, spotting patterns in your maladaptive behavior is also easy. Once you understand the problem thoroughly, you can look for a solution. But even then one needs to understand that there cannot be a quick resolution of the issue. Letting people in and stopping the pushing away would take time with small steps. For instance, you can:

1. Start a conversation. This is the exact opposite of the previous behavior of ignoring any and all interaction in a social capacity. By initiating a conversation, you are allowing your loved ones a door to enter through. You can control just how much you want to interact and this can be done by telling them from the beginning that you are trying but still need some time to process things. Taking your loved ones into confidence will also strengthen your bond with them.
2. Take your time. Not everyone is inherently social. If you are someone who takes time to open up, you can start slow. There might be the need to seek immediate gratification by wanting things to go back to the way they were. But that is not always the case and building a bond with someone would take time, effort and honesty. 
3. Be Honest. Honesty is not the best policy for no reason. To feel understood in a relationship, you also need to make your side of things clear to the other person. Try to make the other person understand your point of view by having an open conversation about it. Let them know about your reasons behind stepping back and tell them how you expect to be supported in that particular relationship. This might be too confrontational for some but it is a good approach and will make you feel glad that you said what you needed to say. 
4. Understand other perspectives too. When you do decide to have an open conversation where you are letting someone in on some of your personal information, the other might do the same. You have to be prepared for a real conversation which might include sharing feelings from the sides. You can take time to process the new perspective but make sure that you try to understand where the other person is coming from. 
5. Adjust expectations. You have to be realistic when it comes to having open communication. Relationships are between two people. Do not expect that the other person would follow your line of thought. Given that initially it was you who pushed them away, their response to that situation might also impact the efforts you may make now. You can begin by showing a genuine interest in their activities and interests without expecting anything in return. Try to understand their perspective and feelings. Be receptive. It will more than likely be reciprocated. 

How to Respond When Someone you Love is Pushing You Away

Now that we have talked about the psychology behind the recurring behavioral pattern of pushing people away, it also needs to be understood how challenging it can be when you are the one being pushed away by a loved one. First of all, you need to step back and try to reflect upon whether this is really pushing you away or just a normal break in the conversation. If you have a relationship with the person, chances are they are taking some time for themselves and will contact you soon. 

However, there might be chances of misinterpretation in this as well. One needs to see if this is a temporary thing or if this is a regular occurrence with your loved one. Let your loved one know about your feelings and how you perceive their absences. This would open a channel of open communication and it might also encourage the other person to engage in a discourse where they let you know their points of view as well. 

The person pushing you away might be doing it involuntarily. (As we saw above.) In such a case, opening up with a conversation would make them aware of their behavior and may allow them to become more self-aware of their actions and how they affect others. Also, try to put yourself in their shoes to understand how to best approach them. You can:

1. Be supportive. This is not going to be a casual conversation to have. It will require some serious talk and can both the participants feel emotionally drained. Try to show your support and make sure the other person knows that you are talking to them from a point of concern and not a complaint. 
2. Mind your words. Do not say something you do not mean. Simply speaking, refrain from saying hurtful things in the heat of the moment. Also stop yourself before you make a promise that you might not be able to keep down the line. By overcommitting you can eventually break the trust of the other person which would not bode well for your relationship. 
3. Stay patient and calm. Give the other person time to understand, reflect and approach you once you have begun the conversation about their maladaptive behavior. If they have stepped back to have some space from the expectations of other people, this conversation might feel overburdening. Understand how they must feel and give them some time and space to adjust their actions and understand their behavior. 

Whether it is you who is being pushed away or the one who is pushing away, the whole ordeal can be difficult and emotionally burdensome. Try to understand your actions better by stepping back from the situation and looking at it objectively. Begin a dialogue about it and be honest. Once you give yourself and the other person time to reflect and revert, you are strengthening your bond with that person.